John Gottman is revered by many as a research-based relationship guru. I recently ran across five very insightful articles that do a great job of describing potential issues and fundamental needs in our primary relationships. They might even apply to some of our non-intimate relationships (friendships, colleagues, etc.).

The text below is copied directly from portions of the linked articles.

Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems

• Solvable problems can be about housecleaning, disciplining children, sex, and in-laws. Solvable problems for one couple can be about the exact same topics that could be perpetual problems for a different couple. A solvable problem within a relationship is about something situational. The conflict is simply about that topic, and there may not be a deeper meaning behind the each partner’s position. A solution can be found and maintained.
• Perpetual problems are problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personalities, or fundamental differences in your life style needs. All couples have perpetual problems. These issues can seemingly be about the exact same topics as what for another couple might be solvable; however, unlike a solvable problem, these are the problems that a couple will return to over and over and over again.
• Gridlocked perpetual problems are perpetual problems that have been mishandled and have essentially calcified into something “uncomfortable.” When a couple tries to discuss a gridlocked issue, it can feel like they are “spinning their wheels” and getting nowhere. The nature of gridlock is that hidden agendas underlie the issue.

The goal should be to establish a dialogue about the perpetual problem that communicates acceptance of your partner with humor, affection, and even amusement, to actively cope with the unresolvable problem, rather than allowing it to fall into the condition of gridlock. Gridlocked discussions only lead to painful exchanges or icy silence, and almost always involve the four horsemen (criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness).

Four Horsemen 

It’s important to understand these in more depth – I encourage you to read the article for details.

Recognizing Gridlock

• The conflict leaves you feeling rejected by your partner.
• No matter how much you talk about it, you feel thwarted. Despite your best attempts, you are making absolutely no headway in the problem area.
• You become so impossibly entrenched in your positions that neither you nor your partner plan to budge.
• Anytime the subject comes up, you invariably feel frustrated and hurt.
• Your conversations about the problem are unpleasant as can be, entirely devoid of humor, amusement, or expressions of affection.
• Your inability to budge increases with the passage of time, leading the two of you to vilify each other when this conflict arises.
• In an infuriating catch-22, the reverse also manages to occur: as you vilify each other, your inability to budge and polarization in your views increases, and your chances of reaching a compromise plummet.
• Upon traversing this delightful territory, the two of you end up in the land of total emotional disengagement.

Emotional Safety

The latest research in neurobiology shows that emotional safety is one of the most important aspects of a satisfying connection in a loving relationship. We need to feel safe before we’re able to be vulnerable, and as Brené Brown reminds us, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.”

When our body and mind experience safety, our social engagement system enables us to collaborate, listen, empathize, and connect, as well as be creative, innovative, and bold in our thinking and ideas. This has positive benefits for our relationships as well as our lives in general.

The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes

This is a great article with details on how to manage the four horsemen in any relationship.

There’s an old phrase that I do NOT agree with:

If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all

Often there are hard things that need to be said that are not “nice”. Yes we need to be careful to say them as nicely as possible but certainly they will not be perceived as us being nice.

In looking for a phrase that guides us on what is appropriate to say… I like this one better.

Don’t say anything about someone that you wouldn’t say directly to them.

Or flipped around to the positive: “only say things about other people that you would be willing to say directly to them”.

I’m hard pressed to think of a time when this rule should ever be broken. We need to be able to have difficult conversations directly with the people involved. Talking to others about the situation might be fine* in order to get another’s perspective (or perhaps just to vent)… but the moment we say things that we are unwilling to divulge to the absent person… we are diving into toxic waters that poison relationships.

At 49 years old… I’m still working on this.

* so many factors can make this not fine. The type of information being shared, the relationship between the people you are talking to/about, whether the absent person would be upset if this other person knew the information, etc…. there’s a lot here and likely worth it’s own post.

I have three goals for this blog: 1) if my kids ever read this, perhaps they will be provoked to consider new thoughts and maybe even learn a few things. At the least, they can get to know me better 2) in writing things down I might learn to see myself, others, and the world we live in differently 3) perhaps a few friends might be entertained.

One of the main themes I want to explore is the understanding of human behavior (both our own and that of others) in order to maximize our human relationships… which I believe is a key to happiness. We are social creatures who need good relationships in order to thrive.

But this is so, so messy. We are all so very hard to really understand.

For thousands of potential reasons, we behave in various ways at various times to various people. I’m not sure that even a PHD Psychologist after 30 years of therapeutic research has a wide and deep (and accurate) understanding of why we do and say the things we do and say. Understanding our behavior goes beyond just psychology but probably would need to include a thorough understanding of the impact of physiology, diet, exercise, pharmacology, sleep, DNA, income level, culture, spirituality, politics, life experiences – the list goes on. So many things can impact our mood, reactions, beliefs, brain patterns, etc. which all results in how we perceive and react to various situations.

However, it seems to me that understanding human behavior is a key to success in our relationships as well as careers… so how do we relatively quickly bridge this understanding gap? I have no idea. I certainly won’t get there in this lifetime. But I’m going to keep trying. Every little bit helps.

One thing we often do is take short cuts. We guess. We assume the intent of others. We make assumptions. And then we move on. We don’t have the time (or ability?) to really understand what led to the current situation. We can shift the direction of entire relationships based on assumptions that are built on top of previous assumptions. After this house of cards is stacked, we don’t question the bottom layer – we don’t want the house to fall down! If we previously didn’t have time to accurately figure out reality for a single layer… how would we have time now to investigate all these underlying truths?!

To be continued in a many part series…