In “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, Stephen Covey wrote about the Circles of Concern, Influence, and Control. This lesson can help us manage not only our time but our mental health and relationships. Trying to control the uncontrollable is not only a waste of time but results in negative emotions that can impact our effectiveness as parents, students, bosses, friends, and partners.

This is one of the hardest and most important lessons that I continue to re-learn. Though each time I get a little bit better at it.

Circle of Control: all the ways you can spend your time and energy in which you have complete control over the outcome. This is the most productive place to spend your time in the short run.

Circle of Influence: all the ways you can spend your time and energy in which you can merely influence the outcome rather than control it directly. This is the most productive place to spend your time in the long run. Influencing others in positive directions can change your life, and the lives of others, so much more than what you can achieve by yourself.

Note: you cannot expect specific outcomes. Take a deep breath when things don’t go your way. Let go.

Circle of Concern: all the areas of life outside the other two circles, in which you still care about the outcome. Putting energy, time, and effort into this area is dangerous! It’s a trap! Spending your time and energy in the other two circles will lead to less frustration, more fruitful outcomes, and better relationships.

Letting Go

Most of us care what others think and say about us. At some deep level, our psyche knows that our survival depends on both the feedback from others and the general reputation we have earned.

So when others have drawn the conclusion that we are different, or less than, how we see ourselves… we tend to want to correct their perception. We certainly do need to understand whether someone’s feedback and attitude is warranted and if so perhaps we need to change.

At the same time, and this is where life can be so difficult… we often need to ignore the perceptions that we believe (after much consideration) are inaccurate and are based on external factors we cannot control or influence. This is a difficult judgement call that might come across as narcissistic, self centered, callous, and mean to the other person.

This is “letting go” of the things we cannot control even when they unfairly cast us in a negative light. This is the acceptance that, while we prefer that others don’t have these perceptions of us, we must move on and focus our energy and time on being a better person for those who see and appreciate our gifts.

This requires us to simultaneously be considerate of the other person… while also being brave… even when our bravery appears to others as NOT being considerate. This is not an easy decision nor road to travel, but it might be your only choice to preserve your integrity and self-respect.

EXAMPLE: This can be very challenging when others make judgemental and condescending statements about our choices. For example, let’s say someone was mocking this blog… claiming it doesn’t represent their real-world experiences of me because that person doesn’t truly understand me. This could hurt deeply and perhaps make me less inclined to produce new blog posts… knowing that at least a few people out there are rolling their eyes and criticizing (even having fun at my expense). Letting go of their judgement is difficult. Making a new blog post takes bravery and courage in the face of that judgement. But their attitudes are beyond the circle of influence (or perhaps even outside of that!). We have to continue putting energy into the circles of influence and control.