Growing up with a father in the military, I was aware of military figures such as Colin Powell, who was a 4-star general, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, National Security Advisor, and Secretary of State. One of his quotes that impacted me most, and significantly affected how I work with others, is:

Avoid Having Your Ego so Close to your Position that When Your Position Falls, Your Ego Goes With It!

This first assumption here is that, in a debate between two or more people, our position might fall! Often we debate with the assumption that we are right and our position will never fall – we just need the other person to understand more. So right away this is transformative… this acceptance that we might be proven wrong. We must even be on the lookout for it so we know when to make this shift and let our position fall. The only way to be on the lookout for this is to listen very carefully to what the other person is saying.

The second piece here is that when we debate, our egos are not at stake. The other person isn’t telling me that I personally am wrong – what they mean is that my position is wrong. This separation is freeing – that we can be wrong and not have it reflect who we are as a person. We can make big shifts on the fly and keep our integrity in tact. We can be proud that we are looking for truth rather than simply preserving ourselves.

“Fighting” Hard

A debate could be seen as a military battle… we hold our position against our “opponent” until we realize that we are losing and then we retreat. In this case, retreating is agreeing that we were wrong and moving to a new position, which might or might not be the position our “opponent” was describing.

This military-style fighting analogy can work if the other person sees that you aren’t really fighting them as a person but rather only their position(s). It only works if they trust that you are listening to them and looking for the opportunity to change positions. They need to know you are willing to bend and adapt as new information is absorbed.

In a respectful debate, our opponent knows that we can be on opposite sides of an issue and not be adversaries or enemies… we simply see things differently based on the information (data) we have at the time. We are evaluating something outside and separate from ourselves. This means the other person is not against us personally… just against our position. This form of debate can actually be extremely fun and informative when the other person shares this perspective. However, it can be very difficult when they don’t understand and are tying together their position and ego. Be careful not to take this into any relationship without the other person fully appreciating your approach.

More quotes from Collin Powell