In the essay below, keep in mind that the term “relationship” could be any human relationship, be it family, romantic, plutonic, or professional.

Taking Things Personally

In “The Four Agreements”, Don Ruiz Miguel tells us how dangerous it can be when we take things personally. He also tells us how important it is to “use our words impeccably”.

Forgiveness

In “The Book of Forgiving”, Desmond Tutu tells the story of how, when the cruel and racist system of apartheid in South Africa was abolished, the black leaders could have spent their efforts on retaliation towards their former oppressors. However, they knew this would only lead to generations of continued bloodshed. They instead implemented a process of “reconciliation” that began with forgiveness. They realized that forgiveness is not condoning the deeds of the past, but simply making a decision to not be upset about them anymore.

This process of forgiveness does not require the involvement of the person that is being forgiven… and herein lies the beauty… one can forgive another without the other even being aware. Forgiveness is not weakness; in fact, it takes great personal strength to avoid the negative emotions lurking nearby, ready to send us into war.

The process of forgiving can actually create additional strength in the forgiver as they take their own personal power back. They give themselves a gift no one can ever influence or take away from them. The forgiver has the ultimate power to be better, choose better, and release the negativity associated with resentment and contemptuousness. Without this burden, the forgiver can more easily allow joy to infiltrate their system.

Toxic Combo

This brings us to a toxic combination that can destroy relationships:

• We take things personally, which makes us upset.
• Then we don’t forgive, which makes us hold on to that anger.

As a result…

• When we take things personally, and don’t forgive our perceived victimizers, we then tend to not use our words impeccably which only compounds the negativity.
• When we don’t forgive, we then accumulate issues that pile up… one on top of another. We initiate a downward spiral that takes more withdrawals out of a relationship than the deposits that sustain it. Like our financial bank accounts, our emotional bank accounts cannot operate with a negative balance. As Stephen Covey taught us, we need more emotional deposits than withdrawals.

If we only practice one of the two solutions (don’t take personally, forgive), we could clear up a lot of issues. When we practice both, we cover a majority of the potential problems that destroy relationships and make it much easier to use our words impeccably.

Kind vs Nice

We should be clear that being “nice” is very different than being “kind”. Kindness is doing the best possible thing for everyone involved, even when the process is difficult and could appear unkind to others. Niceness is being careful not to upset anyone in the moment, even when the “right” thing to do might make some upset in the short term. Be kind, rather then nice. Nice is passive aggressive and avoids responsibility. Kind is brave and loving.

Self-Care

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. In this way it is every bit as much about caring for ourselves than caring for the other person. As we take care of ourselves with forgiveness, it just so happens that we then also maximize the potential of our relationship with the other.

Forgive ourselves too

Forgiveness also applies to how we treat ourselves. Too often, many of us are our own worst critics. We feel like imposters who don’t deserve happiness because we seem to “fail” in the times we believe we shouldn’t*.

Our kindness can extend to one of the most important relationships of our lifetime… the one we maintain with ourselves! 

* This belief might be the root of this issue, but that’s a different post

New Tools

We now have tools to quickly get back on track if we notice something about ourselves that is less than ideal. Either:

• Don’t take our failures personally and instead use them as teachable moments

OR, if that doesn’t work…

•  We have a backup plan to forgive ourselves for falling short of our desired state of being.

Small or Large

This does not need to be reserved for large infractions of trust, such as a cheating spouse. This can and should occur throughout the microcosms of each day.

For example, as our children do something that initially starts to annoy us, we can avoid taking their words or actions personally… or if we do then we can immediately forgive them (and forgive ourselves for taking things personally)… to take away our initial negative response and send us down a new path of holding space to guide them towards what is best for their growth. We can release ourselves from our own parenting imperfections that might otherwise reverberate inside our bodies, taking up energy that could be used for more productive activities. We can maintain our own dignity.

When my kids leave my phone signed into their YouTube account, and without realizing I upload my own video to their account… I can quickly avoid frustration and retaliation when I forgive them immediately, without them even knowing. This more active approach feels better than the old “grit your teeth and try not to be irritated” method. This is a win for me because I turn a potential bad feeling into a good feeling of doing the right thing toward them.

Pressure is off

Once both people in a relationship embrace these tools, the pressure is off to be perfect because we don’t fear retaliation. We can be our true selves without having to

• Carefully walk on eggshells
• Put our words through a heavy-duty pre-processor that is mentally draining, which could ultimately lead to giving up on a relationship rather than taking the risk of upsetting someone.

Vulnerability is the key

When we take things personally and don’t forgive, we destroy the atmosphere that enables vulnerability to grow.

Brene Brown taught us that vulnerability is the fundamental source of the most wonderful aspects of relationships: empathy, creativity, belonging, joy, courage, and intimacy.

John Gottman taught us that safety is the foundation for vulnerability. A safe relationship can be tricky to maintain. These two new tools (don’t take things personally, forgive) can create safety… which leads to vulnerability… which leads to a great relationship.

No feeling is wrong

No feeling is ever “wrong”. Fear, anxiety, sadness, frustration, shame, disappointment, happiness, and pride… these feelings are merely teachers meant to send a message from our subconscious. However, the story behind the feeling that we tell ourselves – this can be wrong. We can now stop judging ourselves and those around us for our feelings. We all must be allowed to have our feelings. We can forgive ourselves immediately for having the story wrong that led to our feelings. We can listen to the feelings, and the story behind them, with curiosity rather than accumulating a new layer of additional negative feelings that speeds up the downward spiral and ruins vulnerability and intimacy. This curiosity is easiest to incubate in a safe environment… but when it doesn’t feel safe, we must summon courage that we might not have immediately available in every situation. We can forgive ourselves for that as well.

Confusion of Feelings

Keep in mind that an expression of a feeling is “I feel sad because…” or “I feel disappointed when…”. A feeling is not “I feel that you should do X in this circumstance”. We sometimes confuse feelings and belief systems.

Neutralize Criticism

John Gottman also taught us how the four horseman (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) destroy relationships. Keep in mind that criticism can be perceived when it was never intended. We might feel bad when we perceive criticism (whether intended or not), and begin to make up a story in our own head about how unfair this perceived criticism is… leading to defensiveness. Our new tools can nip this in the bud by taking the charge out of criticism and avoid defensiveness. Whether it was intended or perceived… the person hearing the criticism can neutralize their response with our new tools… maximizing the chance for the renewal of the relationship and avoiding the accumulation of negativity and the resulting downward spiral.

Let’s say someone thought this post was terribly cheesy, even though many people loved it. The old “self-preservation Jason” would focus on the few people who were critical, just in case they were right and I should adjust to avoid criticism. Now I can immediately forgive myself in case this really is a terrible idea. I can stop to consider whether they have any points I can learn from. Then I can forgive them if it seems they are being unnecessarily critical. Or perhaps I just realize that their truth doesn’t match up to my own truth… and that’s ok. I won’t take it personally.

It’s ok to be not ok

Imagine Dragons sings “It’s ok to be not ok. It’s just fine to be out of our mind”. As this sank in during a live event, I was moved to tears. We can more easily forgive when we remember that it’s ok for all of us to make mistakes. It’s ok to get the story wrong that leads to feelings that might otherwise be considered “unnecessary”.

Lessons From Ted Lasso (spoiler alert!)

As everyone around Ted ridicules him by calling him names (“wanker!”) and undermines his attempts to do his job… he doesn’t simply ignore them. He hears them, and his response is “just wait until I win them over!”. When his boss does everything in her power to ruin the team’s chances of success, he immediately forgives her in the most sensitive and touching scene, recognizing the tough path of divorce she was walking. His empathy was made possibly because he didn’t take things personally, and practiced forgiveness.

Hanging onto the imperfections of others is living in the past. Demanding a better future is avoiding living in the current moment. These new tools are living in the moment.

The Obstacle is the Way

In “The Obstacle is the Way”, Ryan Holiday relays the message of the roman stoics who teach us that every difficult thing is an opportunity to be curious, learn, and grow. In order to stay curious so that we learn and grow, we must not take things personally and we must forgive.

100 Years From Now

I will be dead in 50 years. In 100 years, no one on this planet will be thinking of me. Why would we not forgive ourselves, and forgive those around us in order to maximize our precious days with these relationships we are so fortunate to have around us. This doesn’t mean we condone the past, it simply means we don’t live in it. It means we keep choosing to love every day.

Expect trouble

People will continue to disappoint us. Pretending that we will always be appropriate, considerate, and rational is a setup for disappointment and opens the door for the horseman to ride in. Our new tools can keep that door closed. Expecting trouble allows us to recognize it as it appears so we can say “hey I was expecting you, I thought you might arrive… I have some new tools to deal with you”.

It took me 50 years, and a divorce, to connect these dots. I’m just hoping to expedite your learning curve.

Jason

3.17.22

Written on the plane ride to see Marshmello in Houston with my kids, sister, and brother in law