Have you ever been telling a story and the listener interjects with…

Yeah, I know

Or some form such as “I saw that”?

Often the interjector is excited to connect with the story teller by letting them know they totally get it. Other times, the interjector can mean…

Please finish this story soon because you are wasting our time

Regardless of your intent, the story teller might assume the latter and register a complaint. They might keep telling their story but somewhere inside of your relationship you could be taking a micro-withdrawal from the emotional bank account.

Often the message is given by the tone of your voice while interjecting. An upbeat tone can really show solidarity with the story teller and egg them on to keep telling their awesome story while a flat or dropping tone can easily say the opposite.

If YOU are the interjector in this example, why even create that potential confusion? Why make their story about you? Why not keep the focus on whatever great thing they are explaining or showing to you*.

Let them bathe in the limelight for a while. Don’t be so quick to pre-emptively bust their bubble by implying they could be wasting your time. Let them express their unique view on the situation, even if you have heard it all before. You just might learn something new.

*btw I’m still working on this – it’s not easy. Cut yourself some slack.

We are taught that there is a right and a wrong way to do… anything. Our ability to choose the right answer is constantly tested by our parents, teachers, or spouses. The regular interrogation of “am I correct?” (and the underlying “am I smart enough?”) reinforces a view that for a given situation, there is only 1 right answer that needs to be found.

We grow into adults who think “I’m right, and if others disagree with me, they must be wrong”. Which leads to “If there can only be one right answer, and I want to make sure I’m right, then I must prove that person wrong”. We end up in a dangerous, pressure filled container with a growing tension to defend our positions.

We have been programmed by society to work very hard to prove our right-ness. This serves us well when it comes to building bridges and safeguarding our money. This does not always work well when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

Opinion: a thought or belief about something or someone

Fact: a thing that is known or proved to be true.

So what happens to opinions? The lines get blurred (erased!) and we spend our energy fighting the same supposedly good fight over whether our opinions are right or wrong… despite that they are not supposed to be! *

The internet is great at showcasing this phenomena. You don’t have to look too far in Facebook to find people insulting each other over their wrong-ness of opinion.

How can these IMDB reviewers see the world so differently? This is the beauty of opinions. No-one here is right or wrong*. They are all right for themselves.

The trap we fall into is that we believe a movie by itself can only be one thing: good or bad. We forget that movies by themselves are not good or bad… they are just canisters of film (ok very large files on a computer). It takes another human being paired with that movie to come up with a conclusion about it’s awesomeness. This means there are 7 billion possibilities for interpreting that movie.

Movies are safe for disagreement. Where this gets difficult is when we turn to the politics that ultimately impact lives, including our own. How we should move forward as a country is still very much an opinion rather than a fact, similar to this movie review. Two groups of people can see the same set of facts and disagree violently.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to persuade the other side to see things a certain way. On the contrary, we should speak and vote with the intention of changing the world. I just hope that you don’t cross the line of assuming their opinion is wrong. They aren’t wrong. They can’t be. By definition, opinions are never wrong.

Focus on the underlying facts and argue about whether the facts an opinion are based upon are right or wrong.

* this is my opinion 😎

Most of us have a tendency to be defensive. If a situation appears to make us look bad, we often are quick to find evidence that we are innocent and still worthy of their respect. We want others to know, and recognize, that we are competent.

An example of this is when you bring something up that you previously addressed and your response is “like I said….” or “as I put in my email yesterday….”. One justification for this response might be that you feel bad for repeating a message and wasting everyone’s time. My hunch is that the majority of this response is more “why are THEY wasting our time and making it seem like I haven’t already done my job. I did my job! This issue is resolved let’s please move on to all the other busy work we have in front of us!”

Ironically, in attempting to retain your respect and dignity, you end up losing it by appearing as if you are primarily concerned with your own standing rather than the others around you.

To the person who brought the issue back up, it suggests “why the hell are you saying this? This has already been addressed! What’s wrong with you?!”  

And to others listening it says “I might say this to you some day so don’t mess with me”.

All around the room, this is a relationship withdrawal from the emotional bank account.

This response presumptuously assumes that 1) you understood exactly what the person is now bringing back up 2) that person understood exactly what you were previously saying and 3) you had previously communicated in such a clear way that no-one should have misunderstood and has no right to bring the issue back up again. What if you misinterpreted what the person was now saying or missed a nuance in the question that presented a new perspective? Why not instead spend your energy searching for how this case is different than the prior, rather than assuming it’s exactly the same? 

This could actually turn into an emotional deposit if you show the same amount of respect (the same type of respect you were defending in yourself!) to that person by assuming they have a good point that you just don’t understand yet. 

What do you see in this picture?

Do you see a young woman mostly turned away, or the side profile of an old woman? It turns out… it’s both!

Scientists have found that younger people tend to see the young woman first, and older people see the older person first.

Can you think of any other situations in life when you see the exact same “information” as another person but you both draw drastically different conclusions? Think about religion, politics, parenting, eating, etc.

Often we spend lots of energy and emotion trying to convince others to see the young woman that we see. And they tell us passionately about the old woman. And both are right.

Empathy – realizing that other people can see the same set of information (facts) and draw different conclusions… and attempting to see what the other sees. This is difficult because often we can’t understand how there can be >1 truth. This “cognitive dissonance” is uncomfortable to sit with.

Arrogance – assuming that you see things the only correct way and ignoring, discounting, or scorning how others see the world.

Cognitive dissonance – the mental discomfort experienced by a person who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values.

Arrogance destroys relationships. Empathy build bridges to people who have a different world view. Empathy can sometimes require us to accept the existence of cognitive dissonance without a resolution.

Can you accept that other people are allowed to their political, religious, and other views without agreeing with nor discounting their beliefs? Can you let the cognitive dissonance continue to exist and lay down your arguments? Does one interpretation of the same set of facts need to be the only “truth”?

Life hack: learn lessons and feel better by watching commencement speeches. Great people are hired to lay out the best lessons of their lives. These amazing people are offering you the best they have… all available for free on YouTube. Why would you not take advantage of this opportunity to see the world through their eyes? You don’t have to do everything they do, or believe everything they say… but chances are you will learn something.

Here are a few I have run into. Please at least watch JK Rowling but I really encourage you to find time for all of them and more. Just google “best commencement speeches”.

#EQ #LifeLearner

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxZpaJK74Y4

Over time, I have come to appreciate the importance of “agency” in our relationships. A quick definition:

Agency is the capacity of individuals to act independently and to make their own free choices. The sense of agency, or sense of control, is the subjective awareness of initiating, executing, and controlling one’s own volitional actions in the world.

Our sense of agency can feel threatened when people tell us what to do, correct us, or do something for us that we intended to do ourselves (“oh no you didn’t!”) Perhaps deep down we need to know that we can survive in the jungle on our own (even though we all know we can’t!). It can be very important for us to at least feel that we are acting on our own.

This often makes it challenging to be a good manager, parent, friend, or partner. We often offer helpful information, instruction, or correction we think someone might be needing. Isn’t it nice of us to help someone out? Isn’t that my “job” as a manager or parent to teach a valuable lesson or at least get to school on time? Shouldn’t I correct something that is being done or said “wrong”?

This is especially clear with my 5 year old when one of us does something for him without getting his permission, even when we innocently assume we are “just being helpful”. This could be

• Clicking in his seatbelt
• Opening cheese stick packaging before giving it to him
• Finishing his sentence for him

More obvious examples are:

• Taking something from his hands (rather than convincing him to give it to me)
• Physically making him go somewhere I want him to go.

There have been times as a manager where I have been guilty of controlling situations too much with the justification that we were maximizing value for the customer. In the end, demoralizing colleagues incurs a much higher cost that ultimately impacts the customer in unimaginable ways.

Ultimately, impairing someone’s sense of agency could lead them to feel incompetent and shamed. You might think “that is their problem to deal with – I’m helping them!”… and while many people will handle your “assistance” with appreciation, it’s good to understand that some could be offended. Let’s not assume that everyone should respond to you in the way you want them to.

Most of us want to improve the world around us in small or large ways. We might even think it’s our job to do this. But influencing those around us can come at a cost to that person’s sense of agency. I’m not suggesting we don’t try to influence others, but that we should just be more aware of how and when we influence them, and whether it’s worth any potential withdrawal from the emotional bank account between you and that person.

Have you ever had a conversation come full stop because you can’t think of how to respond to what the other person just said? Or maybe the conversation didn’t stop completely, but you missed an opportunity to go deeper into a particular area… or reach consensus… or gain clarity because you didn’t understand exactly what the other person was saying and you didn’t know how to ask for clarification, or were too afraid to admit you didn’t understand?

Well, there is a simple answer to take all the pressure off. You don’t have to be smart about that particular subject. You don’t have to understand the nuances and context of what they are saying. You just have to be brave enough to say three words: “tell me more”.

This simple phrase tells the person you are interested in learning more about what they are saying. It shows them you are committed and sticking around… you are not simply hoping to get out of the discussion soon. It says you are smart enough to know there is more to the story. And it opens conversational doorways you didn’t even realize exist… the other person will open them for you. You just have to say the magic words! And they will appreciate the opportunity to explain further what they are talking about.

Connecting with other people is one of the most important and meaningful ways we spend our time. For those of us with introverted tendencies, this can be challenging. Don’t let your own lack of understanding or ability to respond be a blocker. Just ask “tell me more” and they will give you what you are looking for.

#KeepTheMomentumGoing #EQ #RelatingToOThers

#EQ #Empathy

The Golden Rule tells us to “treat others how you want to be treated”. On the surface, this sounds much more pleasant than “treat others in any way that achieves your own goals”.

But wouldn’t it be more effective to “treat others how THEY want to be treated”? Isn’t this full of empathy? Doesn’t this create an understanding of the person across from us and see things from their point of view (POV)? Isn’t the old saying a little bit narcissistic and judgemental (think of it my way!). Yes sometimes the other person’s POV needs correcting or avoiding, but often it’s important to honor the lens they see through rather than reacting to them in the way you think you would want someone to react.

The Golden Rule helped shape modern progress… but it’s time to level up our EQ game.

#EQ #Empathy

Here is a short video from Brene Brown focusing on how we can use empathy to treat others well when they are in pain. Beyond this focused message, the concept of empathy applies to so many other situations that build human connection (and will likely be referenced in many future posts).

#studypeople #compassion #eq

• Introverts: tend to expend energy in social situations.
• Extroverts: tend to draw energy from social interactions.
• Ambiverts: slip in and out of either mode.

Up to 2/3 of the entire world population is “ambiverted” leaving as little as 1/3 true introverts or extroverts. Consider that extroverts often end up being the most “visible” people around us because by definition they are more often speaking up in crowds or putting themselves on social media, movies, TV, etc. Because we happen to experience them more often in roles we deem “successful” we might mistakenly assume their traits are “more successful” and thus “more desirable”. Or at least I did for much of my life.

Understanding and accepting the nature of the people you interact with is an important skill to learn. However you personally identify, it would be helpful for you to spend some time understanding this “dimension” of humanity so that you can be more aware and sensitive to the needs of those around you.

There is no “right” way to be. There are advantages and disadvantages to every personality type. Expecting someone to act in one certain way is an incredibly limiting worldview. If social situations are draining and challenging for you, that is perfectly fine. Extroverts have their own challenges.

Though many introverts do prefer to avoid or limit social interaction, others embrace it as a strength. There are many examples of successful leaders who happen to be introverts. Just because it might be challenging doesn’t mean it is a handicap… it actually can be leveraged as an advantage.

In order to understand and thus empathize…

• Try googling Introvert v Extrovert and Advantages of Introvert
• Take the Myers Briggs test to understand yourself better. Know that you will change as you grow and mature.
• Read the book Quiet by Susan Caine and visit her site Quiet Revolution
• Watch her TED talk:

Personally, I grew up as an introvert but unfortunately didn’t accept that this was “ok”. I was petrified of social interaction whether with an individual or group and I hated myself for it.

Over time, I taught myself techniques that helped me interact with others. I continued to collect more life experiences and ideas to discuss. I also realized that it’s ok to not be an extrovert. Things got less scary and I now embrace that I’m an ambivert who often looks forward to social interaction. I also embrace that it’s perfectly fine for social situations to be draining for myself and others.

For some of us, truly appreciating ourselves and others is a lifelong journey!