During an interview with State Farm insurance when I was 21, I was halfway into my answer when I forgot the question. In a panic, my thoughts wandered from “what was the original question?” to “I’m such an idiot, I can’t believe this is happening! I shouldn’t be here.” My words trailed off and neither I nor the interviewer addressed what happened. I choked. The interview quickly wrapped up and, needless to say, I didn’t get the job. I was mortified of my performance and took many years to fully appreciate the lessons being learned.

And there are SO many lessons here:

1. Self-loathing (the underlying feeling that we are just not good) impedes growth and ultimately is a “self-fulfilling prophecy”. Until you learn to love yourself as you are now, knowing that you will continue to learn, grow, and get better, this negative self-talk can sabotage important events. At best, I would have remembered the question had I not beat myself up. At the least, I wouldn’t have fretted so much about my performance.
2. We are not inherently skilled – we have to prepare and practice. This was my first professional interview, and I hadn’t prepared or practiced at all! Of course it went poorly!! Our brain is like a muscle that must be exercised and trained; we need to teach it to keep the question in mind as we search for a meaningful answer.
3. Forgive yourself and accept the embarrassment. Muster the courage to simply admit that you made a mistake. Look them in the eye and say “I’m sorry, can you remind me of the question again?”. Maybe even laugh about it so they know you don’t always take yourself too seriously. This could be an opportunity for them to see how secure you are with being a fallible human being who has the will to forge on.
4. Confidence and ability come from lessons learned through both success and failure. I would argue that failure is a necessary part of the learning process that should be embraced and even sought out. Expose yourself to failure early and often. Software developers build this expectation into their process… they want the software to fail in a safe environment in order to find and correct the bugs they assume must exist (before customers find them).
5. Confidence and ability can also come from simply letting go of the expectation of perfection and embracing that you might just be on the front end of a steep learning curve!

Ok guys… how do you “get” a girl?

To many people, the word “get” means to “acquire”. But I’m hoping you can do better. Another definition of “get” can be “to understand”.

Getting a girl can mean “getting” how she feels. This can mean having empathy for what she wants from you… from life… from herself.

It can mean recognizing that historically women have not been given the same privileges and opportunities as men. And while the world is currently changing, we have not yet come far enough. Still today they can face discrimination and uphill battles.

It can mean getting that she might have experienced physical and/or mental abuse that shapes her perspective. Perhaps she has not been listened to or taken seriously. In response, she might feel anger, embarrassment, cynicism or any other coping mechanism.

Listen. Be inquisitive. Put yourself in her shoes. Only then can you “get” a girl… along with her trust and respect.

And finally, after all this good work, it also can mean that you don’t condone demeaning language or behavior from the men around you. It’s worth the effort to be a good person.

The words below spoke loudly to me earlier in life when often my fear and inhibition would get in the way of being my true self. For Christmas years ago, Dina spent hours overlaying these words on top of a photo of Lincoln walking confidently. She Had it printed and framed and it lives in our house today. I cried when the gift was opened. It might have been the most amazing gift anyone has given me.

I cried for Lincoln and Coleman who I hope will be this fearless and open to the world.

I cried because I felt seen and understood by Dina.

I cried because she was giving me permission to be my true self and let my light shine.

I cried because she loves me in spite of, and perhaps because of, my imperfections.

I cried because I knew how lucky I am to have the love of these three wonderful people.

Thank you, Dina. What a gift!

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? 
You are a child of God.

Your playing small 
Does not serve the world. 
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking 
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, 
As children do. 
We were born to make manifest 
The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; 
It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, 
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 
As we’re liberated from our own fear, 
Our presence automatically liberates others.

This quote by Marianne Williamson was mistakenly credited to Nelson Mandella, who did reference it in one of his speeches.

Improv comedy uses a great expression that, in only two simple words expresses something profoundly positive. It’s so important to a friend of ours that she had “yes, and” tattooed on her wrist. My interpretation is this:

When we tell someone “no…”, or even “yes, but…” we are negating their story and replacing it with ours. We are telling them they are wrong and we are right. We are shaming them.

When we say “yes, and…” we are validating, participating in, and adding to their story. We are celebrating what they bring to the conversation and we are joining them. We are keeping their momentum going. We are respectfully considering their role in our relationship.

You can still find ways to disagree with someone without shaming them or directly pointing out they are wrong. This builds stronger relationships through cooperation and trust.

#Empathy #EQ #Kindness #Classy

Here’s more:

https://sashadichter.com/2019/02/05/thats-right/

https://www.fastcompany.com/3024535/yes-and-improv-techniques-to-make-you-a-better-bossArticle here

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yes,_and…

https://medium.com/improv4/saying-yes-and-a-principle-for-improv-business-life-fd050bccf7e3

I’m wondering about the one-liner that is below the title. Let me know if you like any of these… or if you have new ideas:

• Ideas, possibilities & perspectives (current)
• Life lessons to consider
• Info you might find helpful
• Passing things on for your consideration
• One person’s perspective

Everything you do is practice for the future. For example: Every conversation is an opportunity to practice and improve your conversation skills. Everything you write is practice for future writing. Every time you drive a car you are learning how to drive better.

And you will also regress and teach yourself to be worse, less accurate, less funny, less efficient – even when you aren’t aware that this “unlearning” is occurring.

So why not be more aware of it and take advantage of the opportunity to recognize whether each interaction has improved your life or set you back in some way. You might think of your life, skills, relationships, etc. like the stock market…  minor daily progress or setbacks result in a general trend upward. Don’t fret so much about the small daily setbacks or even large “corrections”.

Keep working on small daily victories that you have control over such as: How you treat people (including yourself), teaching yourself new things, and practicing positive reinforcement.

This can be as small as I did better at looking them in the eye during that conversation. I did better at asking them about their life rather than only discussing mine. I was a bit funny!  I taught myself something today. I exercised and improved my health today. I got great sleep last night. I helped that person. I was honest.

Celebrate the upward trends despite any of the setbacks that tend to hog the limelight. And keep practicing life – it will just keep getting better!

Many reasons…

1. For me, Facebook is a place to broadcast my current status – especially family photos. I’m not comfortable philosophizing, emoting, and being too terribly vulnerable there. If a person doesn’t see value in this type of content, they should have the option to unfollow it without unfollowing my more generic Facebook-y updates.
2. Some of my most important family & friends are not actively engaged with Facebook.
3. Content is not organized well or searchable on Facebook.
4. Instagram is for photos or very brief thoughts.
5. I don’t actively use Twitter and often want to write longer narratives.
6. Medium feels like a formal exercise in public writing rather than a blog for quick, unrefined thoughts intended for close friends and family.

So… how will people find this? Will they press the “follow” button? Are people really ok with receiving email notifications? Will the emails get lost in the “Other Inbox” folder? Is there a way to force my emails to come directly into the “Primary Inbox”? Will inbox fatigue result in few active followers?

Starting something new can be scary! The wonderment of “will this project last days, years, or a lifetime?” is both exciting and worrisome.

Will I set expectations that are hard to live up to? Will this be a burden? Will people appreciate my thoughts? Will I add value? Will I waste time (mine and others)? Or… can this be a safe place to be my true authentic self? Can this be something I look forward to sharing with those in my life who matter most to me, and perhaps others?

At some point, which has now come, I just wanted to start capturing thoughts, ideas, questions, concerns, lesson, hopes, fears, and perceptions. There is no grand master plan for what this will become (yet!). There are no expectations to be anything other than my true, authentic self. See the ABOUT page for a little more info.

Here goes something!!