Over time, I have come to appreciate the importance of “agency” in our relationships. A quick definition:

Agency is the capacity of individuals to act independently and to make their own free choices. The sense of agency, or sense of control, is the subjective awareness of initiating, executing, and controlling one’s own volitional actions in the world.

Our sense of agency can feel threatened when people tell us what to do, correct us, or do something for us that we intended to do ourselves (“oh no you didn’t!”) Perhaps deep down we need to know that we can survive in the jungle on our own (even though we all know we can’t!). It can be very important for us to at least feel that we are acting on our own.

This often makes it challenging to be a good manager, parent, friend, or partner. We often offer helpful information, instruction, or correction we think someone might be needing. Isn’t it nice of us to help someone out? Isn’t that my “job” as a manager or parent to teach a valuable lesson or at least get to school on time? Shouldn’t I correct something that is being done or said “wrong”?

This is especially clear with my 5 year old when one of us does something for him without getting his permission, even when we innocently assume we are “just being helpful”. This could be

• Clicking in his seatbelt
• Opening cheese stick packaging before giving it to him
• Finishing his sentence for him

More obvious examples are:

• Taking something from his hands (rather than convincing him to give it to me)
• Physically making him go somewhere I want him to go.

There have been times as a manager where I have been guilty of controlling situations too much with the justification that we were maximizing value for the customer. In the end, demoralizing colleagues incurs a much higher cost that ultimately impacts the customer in unimaginable ways.

Ultimately, impairing someone’s sense of agency could lead them to feel incompetent and shamed. You might think “that is their problem to deal with – I’m helping them!”… and while many people will handle your “assistance” with appreciation, it’s good to understand that some could be offended. Let’s not assume that everyone should respond to you in the way you want them to.

Most of us want to improve the world around us in small or large ways. We might even think it’s our job to do this. But influencing those around us can come at a cost to that person’s sense of agency. I’m not suggesting we don’t try to influence others, but that we should just be more aware of how and when we influence them, and whether it’s worth any potential withdrawal from the emotional bank account between you and that person.